One of the most helpful methods I’ve found for learning to be assertive, i.e., stand up for yourself, is Inner Bonding, http://www.innerbonding.com. It’s very tricky to speak up before you blow up, and for me, I suspect, a lifelong practice.

Best,
Linda

Thanks for the reference. I love sociology – that is, the study of how people relate to each other in groups. And you’ve made a powerful point. The skill of assertiveness is wonderful in theory, but it takes a lot of commitment to relearn old habits.

So yes, it’s hard, and yes, it’s worthwhile. Like writing a memoir, lots of good things start with good ideas, and then require effort to keep going.

Jerry

I’ve experienced this from both ends of the spectrum, in my own family, as I’m sure many of us have. Very often, because we don’t simply ask for what we want, anger and frustration simmers within us till it reaches the boiling point. Then we often say something we regret.

Randall Collins speaks about this in his book Sociological Insight: An Introduction to Non-Obvious Sociology. In chapter 3, “The Paradoxes of Power,” Collins tells us that any tacit social agreement can only endure untill someone questions it. So, for instance, we might tolerate rude behavior, like a friend or loved one always coming late to important family functions because we’re too embarrassed to tell him that he is being rude and inconsiderate. It’s a sort of unspoken agreement that he will continue his rude behavior and never be questioned or chastised.

Then, one day, after we’ve reached the boiling point, we “tell him off” for being so selfish.

Too much, too late.

If we had only asked him to please be a little more considerate by being punctual, we could have avoided unnecessary conflict and insult.

With this said, I find it very hard to “simply ask” for what I want. I know I repress too much of the anger welling up, rather than face a possible confrontation.