http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog 200 Essays and Interviews to Help You Read and Write Memoirs Fri, 03 Sep 2010 14:38:44 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 Copyright © 2010 Memory Writers Network jerrywaxler@yahoo.com (Jerry Waxler) jerrywaxler@yahoo.com (Jerry Waxler) Self-help 1440 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/wp-content/plugins/podpress/images/LearnMemoirCoverFront-small.jpg http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog 144 144 Reading and writing memoirs. Record the Stories of Your Life, tips, how-to, memoir book reviews, by Jerry Waxler memoir, writers, self-help, book-reviews, essays Jerry Waxler Jerry Waxler jerrywaxler@yahoo.com no no http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/coming-of-age-memoirs/ http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/coming-of-age-memoirs/#comments Wed, 24 Feb 2010 12:48:51 +0000 jerrywaxler http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/?p=722 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/coming-of-age-memoirs/feed/ 3 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/desire-creates-chapters/ http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/desire-creates-chapters/#comments Mon, 08 Feb 2010 13:51:28 +0000 jerrywaxler http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/?p=712 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/desire-creates-chapters/feed/ 5 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/memoir-workshop-story/ http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/memoir-workshop-story/#comments Thu, 01 Oct 2009 11:02:02 +0000 jerrywaxler http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/?p=595 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/memoir-workshop-story/feed/ 3 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/is-writing-a-memoir-therapeutic/ http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/is-writing-a-memoir-therapeutic/#comments Tue, 04 Aug 2009 10:57:28 +0000 jerrywaxler http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/is-writing-a-memoir-therapeutic/ http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/is-writing-a-memoir-therapeutic/feed/ 14 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/joan-rivers-celebrity-memoir/ http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/joan-rivers-celebrity-memoir/#comments Wed, 01 Jul 2009 11:28:02 +0000 jerrywaxler http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/?p=537 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/joan-rivers-celebrity-memoir/feed/ 0 8:49 By Jerry Waxler After learning so many lessons from Steve Martin's memoir "Born Standing Up," I wanted more, so I jumped in to Joan Rivers' memoir ... By Jerry Waxler After learning so many lessons from Steve Martin's memoir "Born Standing Up," I wanted more, so I jumped in to Joan Rivers' memoir "Enter Talking." Her path was remarkably similar to his. Year after year she too made a fool of herself in a desperate bid to please people, persisting through darkness, despair and frustration. What strange alignment of the stars caused these two comedians to suffer so we could laugh? (To see my essay about Steve Martin's journey click here.) While their tales may seem to apply only to the stratospheric world of big celebrity performers, both started as ordinary people. And so, I found lessons in both their journeys that helped me on my struggle to travel from no readers to as many as possible. Innovation makes publishers nervous One contradiction sits mysteriously at the center of both their journeys. On one hand, audiences and talent scouts want to be entertained by a fresh voice, and on the other hand, gatekeepers shy away from an act that is too different from the ones that are already making money. The road to success is littered with the dead acts and fatigued performers who have given up before making it through the gauntlet. And that's exactly what makes Rivers and Martin so interesting, so informative, and in the end so famous - their relentless pursuit of unique excellence and their refusal to follow the herd. By continuing to push, inch by painful inch, they made almost imperceptible progress, polishing their act, gaining allies, and after each disappointment learning a lesson that would help them do better next time. Their experience applies directly to memoir writers. Each memoir is its own thing. No one has ever done your particular life story before in your particular voice. But gatekeepers seek books that are similar to ones already on the bestseller list. How do you please them and stay true to yourself at the same time? These two memoirs offer insights into this seemingly impossible challenge. Different decade, different coast While the two memoirs bear remarkable similarities, they also have many differences. Steve Martin's home base was Los Angeles from which he traveled to college campuses and small clubs all over North America, coping with endless miles of loneliness. Rivers' home base was New York and her endless search was around town, begging agents' secretaries for a few minutes with the boss, begging for stints at night clubs, venturing out of town for gigs in the Catskills, and a stint at the Second City Improv in Chicago. Pacing of the memoir works like a thriller Despite her relentless efforts, for six years Joan Rivers only had scattered success in a few clubs and occasional tours. But the Holy Grail of national exposure on television eluded her. When Jack Paar invited her on to his influential television show, she thought she had arrived. Weirdly, after the show he told his producers not to invite her back, calling her a "liar." He didn't understand that her ironically exaggerated stories were jokes. Crushed, she returned to small clubs. After a few years, she was no longer a kid, and agents started to call her "old news," and said if she was going to succeed she would have already done so. Over and over she hit the wall of rejection. This heart breaking cycle continued for hundreds of pages, like in a thriller in which the smell of disaster encourages readers to move on to the next page. Finally, finally, at the very end of the book, her agent practically forced Johnny Carson's producers to accept her for a spot. From the moment she walked on to the set, Carson clicked with her humor. He laughed. He fed her lines. And he praised her on camera. The tension broke, and the next day her agent called to tell her she would not earn less than $300 a week for the rest of her life. In a surge of joy and accomplishment, Rivers shouted at the world "I was right." Satisfying Character Arc I found the almost abrupt end of the book to memoir, writers, self-help, book-reviews, essays Jerry Waxler no no http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/hardship-stories-strength/ http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/hardship-stories-strength/#comments Wed, 03 Jun 2009 11:48:20 +0000 jerrywaxler http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/?p=509 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/hardship-stories-strength/feed/ 0 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/anecdotes-story-beliefs/ http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/anecdotes-story-beliefs/#comments Wed, 14 Jan 2009 14:02:04 +0000 jerrywaxler http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/?p=359 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/anecdotes-story-beliefs/feed/ 1 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/escaping-prison-past/ http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/escaping-prison-past/#comments Fri, 25 Jul 2008 11:07:55 +0000 jerrywaxler http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/?p=144 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/escaping-prison-past/feed/ 4 00:01:01 By Jerry Waxler (You can listen to the podcast version by clicking the player control at the bottom of this post or download it from iTunes.) Tony ... By Jerry Waxler (You can listen to the podcast version by clicking the player control at the bottom of this post or download it from iTunes.) Tony Cohan, author of the memoir "Native State" grew up listening to his father speak about popular musicians with the awe usually reserved for gods. Cohan's father, Phil, produced a variety show in the heyday of radio, and famous performers like Frank Sinatra and Jimmy Durante filled dad's heart with admiration and also put food on his table. It was natural for young Tony to want to grow up to be one of the performers his dad revered. At 13-years-old Tony played his first gig as a drum player at a high school dance. Then he moved "up" to bars and strip clubs. A few years later, his ambition took him to North Africa and Spain, where he played with the hippest jazz performers, but nothing satisfied him. No matter how far he progressed as a musician, his life remained stuck in dimly lit nightclubs, poverty, drugs, and danger. Flash forward a couple of decades. Cohan is earning his living as a successful writer, living in Mexico with his girl friend. This explains why he felt stuck all those years. Music was taking him in the wrong direction. He wasn't able to find satisfaction until he escaped his original goal. Empathizing with Cohan's frustration, I turn pages, wanting him to find his true dream. I have met many men and women whose lives started in one direction, say towards a profession, or marriage and babies, or the family business. Then they end up somewhere else. Often the change in direction leaves them or their parents confused, as if they have disrupted destiny or lost a crucial component of their own identity. Later in life, they look back and wonder about the discrepancy between the initial story and the later one. If they describe it as they originally felt it, it raises issues of disappointment and regret, or anger and rebellion. They feel echoes of the initial confusion. All these years later, something about the transition into adulthood still feels "wrong." And yet if they don't include it, the story feels incomplete, as if they are ignoring major events. I had such a fracture in my own Coming of Age. On the rare nights when dad could get away from the store to join the family for dinner, he told stories about his customers. His tone about most people was overly familiar, jocular, often condescending. But when he talked about doctors, the tone changed. As a pharmacist, he was simply fulfilling their orders. They were his gods. I didn't want to be one of the mortals, the everyday people who became the butt of dad's jokes. I wanted to be one he respected. To achieve that dream, I became increasingly tense about amassing knowledge. My intellectual drive constricted my view of myself and my role in the world. By the time I was 18, I had become hyper-focused on science, math, and medicine, and becoming a doctor was the only Truth worth living for. Then, something very strange and disturbing happened. I entered college during the sixties, when cultural and political upheaval stirred my world into a frenzy. I became interested in philosophy and literature. Shaken loose from my original obsession, I started rebelling against everything, and then dropped out to pursue some hippie utopian fantasy. I replay the events over and over. I was a hardworking and competent young man with a well-stocked arsenal of academic gifts already in place by the time I was 18. I wanted this one thing so badly. Then, like a clown stepping on a banana peel, I slipped and fell on my ass. For years, I thought my academic pratfall meant I was a failure. I didn't live up to my own or my father's expectations. Now as I review Tony Cohan's story, I see my life journey from a different point of view. When I threw myself into the social revolution and rejected everything my father and family stood for, it was not an accident. It was a choice. Math and science satisfied me mentally but c 60's, Book Review, Lifelong Learning, My own life, Storytelling, Trauma, Writing Prompt Jerry Waxler no no http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/lessons-from-conflict/ http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/lessons-from-conflict/#comments Tue, 15 Jul 2008 11:09:53 +0000 jerrywaxler http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/?p=142 http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/lessons-from-conflict/feed/ 7 00:01:01 by Jerry Waxler (You can listen to the podcast version by clicking the player control at the bottom of this post or download it from iTunes.) I ... by Jerry Waxler (You can listen to the podcast version by clicking the player control at the bottom of this post or download it from iTunes.) I needed to work with Steve on a project. Since we had never worked together, I went to his cubicle to break the ice. As I approached his face darkened. He reached over, lifted his phone, and slammed it down, accompanied with a curse to drive home his point. "Shit!" he said to no one in particular, then looked up. "What do you want?" I don't know when Steve decided he didn't like me, but from that moment the deal was sealed. For the last few years, I had been attending graduate school at night. My study of counseling psychology was teaching me how to sit quietly in an office and help clients cope with their stress. My situation with Steve was different. I was the one who was out facing the world, and I didn't understand how to handle my hurt and frustrated feelings. I made an appointment with a therapist, and from our discussion I realized I have been avoiding conflict my whole life. But this time I couldn't run away. I needed to deal with it, and that meant developing a new life skill. So I did what I always do when things get tough. I bought a pile of books. At night I read about conflict resolution and the next day tried out my lessons in the "laboratory" at the office. The most basic principle was to quit putting all the blame on the other guy. Looking at this situation as entirely his fault left me powerless to change it. Breaking out of the habit of blaming required a strange internal debate. "Of course it's his fault," I thought. And then I countered, "but that attitude does me no good." The second principle was to try to put myself in his position and imagine what the world looked like through his eyes. It was a mind expanding exercise, and while I obviously couldn't know his view, speculating about it provided insights. After thinking about the situation with an open mind, I considered the possibility that I represented some sort of threat. I tried to look less threatening by smiling more and asking what I could do to help him. Another technique I learned from my books was to make deposits into an "emotional bank account." I hoped that by asking him about his family, I could establish rapport and increase the trust. Unfortunately, Steve blocked my emotional offerings right from the beginning. For a year I tweaked my conflict resolution strategies. Nothing worked. To survive emotionally, I said supportive things to myself, like "This too will pass", and "I can handle this." I used deep breathing and muscle relaxation. Except for a couple of bad days, I kept my nose above water. Eventually, for issues unrelated to me, he left the company. Life returned to the ordinary pressures of the office, and I forgot about him, until I started looking for ways to write my memoir. It's hard to tell stories about life in an office when years keep rolling by, with nothing more to show for them than wrinkled skin and gray hair. And yet, ignoring those years doesn't seem right either. As I ponder this storytelling conundrum, I believe the scenario with Steve provides a solution. Not only does this edgy situation provide a glimpse into how those years worked. It also provides some powerful lessons about what makes life worth living. Here are a few lessons I found by exploring this particular situation. The characters in my life are real people In good stories, all the characters have reasons for their actions. To discover these motivations, writing instructors suggest you develop a portrait of every character. Where did they grow up? What do they want? When I stretched beyond myself to see the world through Steve's eyes, I was being forced to learn not only how to reduce conflict, but also to portray richer, more complex characters in my story. Not everyone likes me A world in which everyone liked me would seem so bland. I can add texture by learning this profound Lifelong Learning, My own life Jerry Waxler no no http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/rediscovering-why-i-read-books-throughout-my-lifetime/ http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/rediscovering-why-i-read-books-throughout-my-lifetime/#comments Tue, 08 Apr 2008 09:57:56 +0000 jerrywaxler http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/rediscovering-why-i-read-books-throughout-my-lifetime/ http://memorywritersnetwork.com/blog/rediscovering-why-i-read-books-throughout-my-lifetime/feed/ 0 00:01:01 by Jerry Waxler (You can listen to the podcast version by clicking the player control at the bottom of this post or download it from iTunes.) Books ... by Jerry Waxler (You can listen to the podcast version by clicking the player control at the bottom of this post or download it from iTunes.) Books have always played an important role in my life, influencing, informing, and entertaining. Now I want to pass forward to others the benefits I have received. One of the steps of offering my thoughts to "the world" is to visualize who might be on the receiving end. Communication does, after all, require a speaker and a listener. So who are "those people" out there to whom I am speaking? One approach to understanding how books work for them is to explore how books have worked for me. By picking apart the way books have worked in my life, I hope to learn how other people use books. When I lay out my recollections on paper, patterns emerge, much simpler and more sensible than expected, letting me identify the way I used books differently in various eras of my life. Perhaps this fact should have been obvious to me from the start, but it wasn't and now once again, I find myself learning more about the changes across the lifespan by going back and reviewing my own. Different reasons for reading at different stages in life In early teen years, I fell into a torrid love affair with science fiction, a genre that let me suspend my own limitations, and join forces with people who adventured through the known and unknown universe. Regular trips to the library and a large paperback collection fed my passion for fantasy. Then in high school, I switched to more serious literature, like Charles Dickens and Alexander Dumas, basking in the hypnotic rhythm of their language and stories. It didn't bother me that they described a world that took place 100 years earlier. In fact, in one of my favorite books from that period, "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court," Mark Twain transported the protagonist back several hundred years, combining literature with science fiction. When I was twenty, I desperately wanted clever people to tell me what life was going to be like, so I ran towards the darkness of a culture driven mad by World War II. One of the most intellectually demanding books I ever read, "The One Dimensional Man" by Herbert Marcuse left me feeling that all was insanity and all was lost. Mentors like Samuel Beckett and Joseph Heller offered a cynical emptiness, so deep and despairing that by the time I stopped reading I had entered my own hell. Perhaps I was experiencing "Clinical Depression" or perhaps I had simply spent too much time absorbing post-World War II despair. Whatever it was, I had my fill of the dark. To regain some of the lightness required for survival, I reached towards spirituality, reading books by mystical authors who offered me insights into a reality that made more sense than the one I had constructed so far. One was Paramahansa Yogananda's Autobiography of a Yoga [See my essay on a memoir about Paramahansa Yogananda by clicking here.] There were many others. Rumi, the ancient Persian poet who continues to influence and uplift. Kahlil Gibran. The Book of Mirdad. The Way of the Pilgrim, about a Russian monk who learns the art of constant prayer. Some potent books, like Stewart White's "Betty Book" were recommended by a friend who had found them on dusty shelves of a used bookstore. (Ah-ha! It's not just bestselling books that influence a reader.) I finally got back on my feet, and as a young working man, I returned to mysteries. Their repetitive formula soothed me by unmasking the villain and reducing the chaos of the world. In my forties I discovered self-help books. During this period, authors taught me psychological skills to help me survive the working life, and improve my chances for aging gracefully. My foray into self-help reached a zenith in "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey, whose ideas formed the foundation for going back to school for a Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology. I continued my fascination with Lifelong Learning, Writing Prompt, reading Jerry Waxler no no